The myths of how to be feminine, and a woman’s longing to be desired.
There are so many influences in the world telling us how to be feminine. There are so many influences in the world that have subconsciously pulled women away from their true feminine nature and the pleasure of embodying it — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In many ways, we have been tricked, and have been working very hard to break these myths, and in many ways, we have come a long way though they are still alive to some degree deep down in our bones.
“Women have come to a place where they desire being desired, more than they desire pleasure itself.” ~ Naomi Wolf
This is a powerful statement to take in, this is at the roots of the myths we have been told, taught, and shown about how to be feminine. This statement brings us to the question of what it means to be desirable as a woman.
Think diets, make-up, fashion, plastic surgery, supermoms, businesswomen, the sexual imagery we see every which way we look, the porn industry, and the stereotypical roles of men and women throughout society.
How does this make women restrain themselves, and how does this provoke them to embody traits and qualities that are not innate? How does this ignite shame that makes women hide their true experiences from one another — regarding their sexuality, their heart space, their love life, their sense of worth, confidence, and how happy they really are? The more honest we are with one another, the faster the illusions will be broken.
We have messages coming from every which direction, telling us that if we want to be loved and embraced, we need to fit “the part of the desirable woman” that shapes the myths of “how to be feminine.”
We are told to compose ourselves and shapeshift ourselves, and we’ve been groomed to confuse our worthiness to be loved with our emotional composure, beauty, body image, sexuality, and with our perceived idea of playing a certain part as a woman — emotionally, physically, and energetically. This can be in partnerships, friendships, in our careers, as mothers, or simply in regards to living up to the social status.
Society tells us to not be too emotional or needy, and that the softness of the feminine is weak. Society has told us big emotions are invalid, and instead irrational hormones, that productivity must always override honoring our energy, and that self-care is a luxury.
Women get the message to be sexy, sophisticated, emotionally level-headed but nurturing, self-sufficient but not too independent or successful. We are not taught to value our uniquely powerful complex feminine nature that is very different, and complementary to the masculine or men.
We are all missing out because of the myths that tell us how to be feminine.
The myth of the “desirable woman” and how to be feminine is kept alive by the subliminal messaging sent to women invoking their longing to be desirable. The trouble is that the role of the “desirable woman” isn’t a role of pleasure. It isn’t a role of joy or happiness, it’s a role that is riddled with self-criticism, self-harm, and oppression and it suffocates our true essence and nature from all angles.
So why would we desire being desired over pleasure itself?
The projection of how to be feminine, and how to be desirable, in our bones translates to being loved and accepted by society and other humans. The pleasure of our true womanly nature has been equated with rejection. When you are immersed in a world playing out this game, and complexity it creates a sense of desperation to fit the part — even at the cost of sacrificing ourselves.
What we are really longing for, is to just be, and to be loved for that.
What we don’t realize is that if we chose to dedicate ourselves to self-love, we could slowly but surely shatter this myth of how to be feminine, taking back our power as women.
This myth has been summoned out of fear. It’s been summoned out of terrified hearts that fear vulnerability, exposure, communion, and dependence on one another— because we have been taught that those qualities are weak or unsafe.
There is no way to say exactly where this whole mess started, exactly how it started, or exactly who started it, or if it was even intentional or simply a snowball effect of unfortunate events seeking answers and solutions we didn’t have at the time. Regardless, over time and through history the idea of woman has been shaped into a role we were taught was authentic, and that men were taught was desirable, and we depend on one another in varying ways so we all partake.
Humans long being loved by each other, and being loved equates to survival when it comes to our souls.
Women’s power is in the heart. It’s vulnerability and their intuitive divine wisdom. When women get compacted down into a physical object with very linear, heart-constrained roles, not only are women deprived of the love we all long for but so are men.
The ways in how to be feminine are not only projected towards women, they’re projected toward men as well. And they are projected upon everyone who doesn’t fit into the binary cisgender, monogamous, rigid box. We all long for these myths to disintegrate to free our hearts to be as they will whether we realize it directly or not.
It’s a vicious cycle and somebody has to take the leap of faith to change it. We can either stand by holding our breath hoping the next generation with figure it out, or we muster the courage to leap and start loving ourselves for the truth of who we are.
A woman with a heart wildly free, in love with her body, in tune and empowered by her sexuality, with a creative life force wildly flowing as she is guided by her intuitive divine wisdom — is unstoppable. She’s liberated, she’s free, and she depends on nobody else to love her to be whole.
This is the truth regarding how to be feminine.
We have to teach others to love us in this way, by loving ourselves in this way. We all long for it, it’s just scary and vulnerable.
When a man or woman meets another woman, or being for that matter, who has claimed their feminine energy for what is, and is in love and free within themselves a deep fear may be invoked in the witness. Their insecurities may ignite, they may be triggered, and they may reject or lash out at this being. But slowly and surely as we continue to truly embody ourselves, love ourselves, and feed our confidence in our truth — it will ripple collectively and we will eventually come home to reclaiming the true beauty of the wild feminine nature.
I write this to ignite a longing to reclaim the pleasure of our unrestrained selves. I write this to ignite a longing that overpowers any fear of being undesirable. Women need each other to do this work, and when we do it together, we will be unstoppable. We’ll empower one another, and this force will build exponentially until nobody can resist it any longer.
This is why women need each other so badly, and we need to heal our wounds and insecurities that are triggered by one another.
It’s scary to make this leap and walk away from the status quo of the desirable woman. It’s scary to shake the foundation so many are clinging to, and not all will respond well. It’s a triggering internal tug-a-war watching each other play this battle out from all angles, but we have to reclaim trust between one another and rise together.
May we inspire one another to free ourselves. May we reclaim what it really means to be feminine, with wild love to offer the world, full-heartedly free.
Our vulnerability and unveiling of our truth is how we empower one another. When we illuminate where we are disowning ourselves it helps our sisters do the same. When we do this together it’s easier to realize the parts we’ve been tricked into rejecting are our greatest power. We are mirrors of one another, and when we let our guards down we realize how similar our experiences are.
Once the illusion of how to be feminine is illuminated, it has no power over us.
Once we witness this beauty unveiled in one another, we can begin to see it in ourselves. May we be brave and unveil ourselves as inspiration and courage for our sisters to do the same. May we tend to one another hearts when it’s hard when we feel alone or rejected, and remind ourselves and one another that the freedom of our souls is always worth it.
Our relationships with other women are so important. We truly need each other.
I encourage us to get honest with other women in our lives and be vulnerable about our insecurities, longings, and desires. Talk about what we’ve each been taught about how to be feminine from our life experiences. Talk about how our relationship with that longing to fit the part of the desirable woman, and unravel what you really long for, and how you really wish you could be if it weren’t for anyone else’s judgments or reactions.
Speak your truth, and know it will get easier every time, and that it will spark the courage in others to do the same. You may not see it right away. It may take time. It may unravel in ways that don’t meet the eye. But trust in this truth. Our courage ripples. Our self-love and self embrace ripples.
Take some time to journal or meditate, asking yourself what you believe to be desirable, lovable, and acceptable. Free write about what you truly desire, and notice if you are you scared to name it, ask for it, or claim it.
What do you believe in regard to how to be feminine? What do you know isn’t true in your bones but you still believe viscerally aside from knowing better? And lastly, what do you want to believe to be true — because it’s time to reclaim that.
With love,
Abby
