Are men and women really that different? And does it matter?
There are very concrete biological differences between men and women.
We cannot downplay the power of the consciousness-altering drugs that are our hormonal make up — these undoubtedly make us different. The hormonal make up of female-bodied beings tends to stoke nurturance to enable us to care for an infant, yes it stokes patience and tenderness, and yes the hormonal make up of males typically stokes one to be ready to fight, protect, and dominate. Menstruating women function on a roughly 28-day cycle like the moon where they ebb and flow between extraversion and introversion and between heightened energy of sensual creativity and a deep inward experience of intuitive wise woman wisdom — women’s physical, mental and emotional needs and capacity shift over this drawn out cycle, and even after they cease bleeding, their bodies have been imprinted with this wisdom. On the other hand, men function on a 24-hour circadian rhythm that rises and falls in energy each day. The needs of the heart, body, and mind of women and men are different — but are we that different?
Not all mothers are infinitely patient with a crying newborn or toddler, not all women want children, or are drawn to emotional depth, and not all men are alpha and aggressive, or have little interest in the tenderness of their emotions, or intimacy. Men and women come in many different shapes and forms. Ultimately the difference between all men and the difference between all women is much more vast and variant than the median difference between the collective population of males and females. Men and women are different, but much less different than we are made out to think. So why do we excuse or assume certain temperaments or behaviors because of one’s sex?
Our entire world has molded us into gendered behaviors that serve a greater function of society, but are not necessarily inherent. These behaviors are often programmed to some degree, and then we are judged, validated, invalidated, rewarded, or punished to sustain a hierarchy. This does not mean a woman cannot be a stereotypical hyperfeminine woman, or that man cannot be a stereotypical hypermasculine man authentically it’s that we are all individuals, and our authenticity comes in wide ranges of feminine and masculine compilations regardless of our sex.
Men and women are different, but we are not that different.
The stereotypes of males and females enable a hierarchy that not only allows but excuses men to dominate women, and the masculine to dominate the feminine. These stereotypes have shaped the structures of our world, and the structures of our world do not support women to thrive, and they do not support women's sovereignty, safety, or security. This is why it matters. And this is not just about women at all — it's about all of us. All of us are suffering under the shadows of these stereotypes.
As women — I’m speaking to women because my audience is women — we need to see how this is playing out subtly or overtly in our personal lives and we need to see how this plays out systemically, to really be able to see where our feminine power as women has been gaslit, devalued, and oppressed so that we can claim it and break this cycle from the inside out.
This is not just about women, this is about all of us thriving interdependently. We all need one another. But as women, we support this process by awakening to our feminine, female-bodied power and claiming it for its royal worth.
If we were to really stick to basic stereotypes — there’s an acceptance for males to be rash, to feel entitled, to be aggressive, impatient, dismissive, less emotionally considerate, less available, more sexually driven, and more easily angered because they need to keep their energy in this primal vein of provide and protect. Women are expected to be all compassionate and understanding, all-forgiving with no resentment, they are expected to be martyrs and peacekeepers with little expectation for men to show up with equal respect, receptivity, maturity, or presence while understanding they have less self-restraint, or capacity in certain emotional or social departments. Women are expected to be a moon to the planet of man orbiting around him. Men's linear, aggressive, alpha inherence is assumed prestige over the feminine softness, emotionality, or intuitive nature. It’s women who are expected to accommodate men. These stereotypes are not true for all men, or women, and can be flipped between the sexes case by case absolutely. There are many women and men who live in great respect for one another, but these are baseline stereotypes we need to look at to get a glimpse of the structures we live in today, and we need to start noticing where we’ve been indoctrinated.
We’ve all been indoctrinated — as both perpetrators and victims in complex ways that are bound to these stereotypes — against one another, and against our own.
Gendered stereotypes and the power they have are the same thing that stokes the sisterhood wound, the competing alpha male complex, and queerphobia. Notice where you use and abuse, or view the world or others through the stereotypical masculine and feminine lens for better or worse. Notice how this complex colors the lens in which you see those who are your age, and those who are older, and younger. And lastly, notice where you don’t stand up for your worth, your validity, and your power as a woman — and as a human being.
When you look at all the activities within your day, when you look at all the things you partake in life, when you look at your career, your education, your day-to-day, step-by-step responsibilities, your communication, your parenting, or friendship — are we drastically more or less capable? Or are we maybe more or less practiced, or more or less groomed in different departments, in different ways? And how have we come to be, based on behavioral norms we face in our peers or the social structures all around us — not only in our lifetime but through the last few generations in our family line, and collectively that have undoubtedly affected us?
When we look at men and women, it’s the same question of nature versus nurture when we look at individuals, and the answer is probably of mix of the two for all of us. Human beings are intelligent, capable, and adaptable creatures. Are we giving ourselves and one another enough credit to find a way to live in respect, support, and in union with one another? Again, I am not saying we are not different at all. Most stereotypes stem from somewhere, and there is typically truth within these narratives but they are then projected and exaggerated out of context becoming much bigger and more influential than their validity.
We all have these so-called feminine and masculine qualities. We are all wildly capable of learning physically, mentally, and emotionally and we activate or neglect certain genetic codes that move through our ancestry by tapping into them or not. As individuals, we are each uniquely compiled. We all know women and men who do not fit their stereotype and fall further toward the unassumed end of the spectrum and we all need this freedom to be as we are to thrive and live a joyful life that grants us intimacy, safety, love, protection, and connection and it’s going to look different for each of us. The problem is the assumptions and excuses made based on these stereotypes, and the hierarchies that have come of them.
The male and female stereotypes and the expectations that come with them are not isolated to our interpersonal relationships.
We swim in these waters globally and systemically and the way they show up in our interpersonal relationships is a manifestation of something much larger. We live in a world that stokes domination and violence against the feminine and women. Just because we are woke, or conscious, or aware of this does not make us immune to it. It is bigger than all of us, and we are all touched by it whether we think we are or not.
When we consider what is sovereignty, what is empowerment, and what do we desire — we have to also question where these beliefs and longings come from. Why do women get plastic surgery, and starve themselves, why do women in some parts of the world see genital cutting as an honored rite of passage? When we experience self-hatred or depression, violence, trauma, or impoverished states of living we have to ask ourselves is it us? Is this a random, isolated incident that is just about me? Or is something bigger?
This is how patriarchy works. Oppression, suffering, and injustice are not just made through laws, it’s made through subliminal messaging so that we all partake, and oppress ourselves and one another — in thoughts, beliefs, and actions. There is a reason women struggle to befriend other women, and there is reason men not only beat, murder, rape, and dominate women but get away with it. There is a reason men are terrified of being soft like women and that it’s a rarity for them to be emotionally vulnerable with one another, and there is a reason women often strive to do it all and be ambitious, tough, level-headed, and strong like men.
Until we see the cognitive dissonance between our organic nature and how we are expected to be, and how the world is shaped for us to fit in and function to thrive — we cannot break this spell. And it can be very hard to see this spell in the eye of the storm. We may know something is not right, that something doesn't feel quite right, but we can't articulate it. Trust your knowing. Our personal situations, circumstances, and relationships are complicated. Love and trauma are complicated. You can't really blame anybody even though we are all bound. Human beings are wildly complex, and this world is wildly complex, but it’s never just about us.
The thing is — that nothing about us can be pinned down. We are all so much more than a man, or a woman, or anything between these two overly simplified binary lines. We are all uniquely vast creatures. Until we see the programming that inhibits this and shapes us, we will not be able to set ourselves, and one another free. It is our birthright to live and breathe as we are, following our own rhythms and own cycles, and own desires, and our own bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.
Men and women are not that different — it’s that the feminine has been demonized.
The demonization of the feminine has made everything very messy creating suffering for all of us, and when I speak of the feminine, I’m often speaking of the symbolism of the female body. Women are cyclical and shapeshifting. Their hearts and intuition, creativity and drive dance with the moon. They cycle like the seasons of the earth and the cosmos. The potential for life and death goes round and round within their bodies. Women birth spirit into flesh. Their bodies grow and nurture life. They know the fluidity of life-giving milk that flows from their breasts coming out from their hearts, and they know blood flowing from their womb. Their genitals are receptive, they open, envelope, and release, and they know the vulnerability of being entered and penetrated. This is why the great God used to be the Mother Goddess — not because women are better than men, it’s because the female body symbolically represents Life. It represents how to be in right relationship with life. It represents impermanence, and it represents life just as much as death. There is a psychic thread between the Earth, the female body, and the Goddess and once one is disrespected, Life is disrespected and the web of interdependency that allows us all to thrive is broken.
Reclaiming the feminine is not just about women it’s about human beings. Men are suffering. Women are suffering. Beings on all spectrums of gender and sexual identities are suffering. We all live in a hypermasculine, penetrative, linear, dominating world that does not honor or serve the Earth, the female body, or the Goddess.
Our structures of economy that grant us freedom, and security, and support us to thrive are not in alignment with the Earth, the female body, or the Goddess and so women, and the feminine are left behind. The feminine principle is very much alive and necessary in all gender and sexual identities. It is not confined to women but is mirrored through the symbolism of woman, and it is literal women who are left at the bottom of the hierarchy — and this is to the detriment of all.
We are all suffering from the demeaning of the feminine and when women wake up to their power as women they are reclaiming this for themselves and all. It will ripple through the men in their lives, their sisters and brothers, through their children, their ancestral lineage backward and forwards, and through all of us. It ripples through everyone and everything they come into touch with and it brings back online that thread from the earth to the Goddess through their female body.
This is not an attack against men, it is a calling out of a greater system that has set us all up. I believe in changing the world from the inside out. I believe that as women wake up in reverence for their bodies, and for their wild uninhibited hearts and wombs, and as they start trusting and following the organic intelligence and cycles of their beings relentlessly they become unstoppable and one by one we cut ties with our dependence or compliance with structures and contracts that never served us.
This is the revolution we can grant ourselves and the ones we love by our sides. This revolution is about all of us, and it’s all of our work to do.
With Marigold love,
Abby
